


Red Lips and Thorny Petals

by hotelcortez



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Multi, Pining, Polyamory Negotiations, Protect Stray Kids, Unrequited Love, coughing up blood and petals, like angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 05:37:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18565015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotelcortez/pseuds/hotelcortez
Summary: Feeling unrequited love for one guy makes Hanahaki Disease bad, but feeling it for two makes it even worse.Felix has loved Chan and Woojin for as long as he can remember, but now that the petals grow twice as fast and he coughs up double the amount of blood, he realises that it may just be what kills him.





	Red Lips and Thorny Petals

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, welcome to my new story! It's a giant mess lol
> 
> Woochanlix is so cute and under-appreciated and apparently I decided to remedy this by writing a load of angst (oops?)
> 
> Thank you so much to Lilly who helped me with deciding on colours (you'll understand when you read) I love you!! 
> 
> Enjoy <3

Hanahaki disease:

A disease caused by feelings of unrequited love. It occurs when the sufferer feels love for someone who does not return it back, causing flowers to grow in the sufferer’s lungs. These flowers represent all the love they have in their heart and, in an attempt to stop themselves drowning in it, the sufferer coughs up these flowers along with copious amounts of blood to try and expel them from their body. However, the flowers eventually become too much and the sufferer dies choking on all the love they have lost. 

There is one cure; a surgery in which the flowers can be removed, but this comes at a cost. Losing all the flowers means losing all the love in your heart, and many consider this to be a fate worse than death.

 

. . .

 

Woojin and Chan were like the power couple parents of the group.

Every single member had a huge amount of respect for them. They’d started dating pre-debut era and were still going strong now, Chan as the efficient leader and Woojin as the paternal eldest. It probably hadn’t been in the plan for them to straight-away adopt seven children but they’d happily gone along with it, always smiling in the presence of their precious members. Several couples had followed; Changbin and Seungmin, Minho and Hyunjin, Jisung and Jeongin. Felix was the only single one left and the group teased him about it endlessly, often coming up with weird and slightly out-there reasons as to why Felix hadn’t found someone yet. It got annoying at times, but Felix had to admit some of the reasons they came up with were pretty funny.

It still didn’t change the fact they had no idea of the real reason; that the whole group definitely loved Chan and Woojin, but maybe Felix loved them a little more than he should.

He didn’t know when this weird crush thing on them had started, and he had even less of a clue when it was supposed to end. He just knew he couldn’t keep going on like this, couldn’t keep pining over things he couldn’t have. It was too painful. 

At least one good thing to come out of it was Felix learnt he was very good at hiding things. It probably came across that he was terrible at keeping things secret because he was often too excitable for his own good and his brain-to-mouth filter didn’t always work properly, but he was able to use that to his advantage and let people believe that he had nothing to hide, and that he wouldn’t be able to hide it even if he did. Heck, half the group still thought Felix had a crush on Changbin and was just entirely terrible at hiding it. Which was cute, just like Changbin was, but also entirely false, especially since Changbin had made it very clear he was happy with Seungmin.

Which was why nobody thought anything out of the ordinary was going on when Felix was blatantly staring at Woojin and Chan working on choreography together during the group’s 10-minute break in the middle of their practice. Woojin was giggling cutely as Chan was trying to shuffle around him and re-position his limbs in the right places, unable to keep the smile off his face as Woojin’s laughs filled the room.

Felix’s heart fluttered painfully at the sight of them, reminding him again how wrong he was having a crush on two guys, two guys who were perfect in every way and extremely happy together and didn’t need Felix coming along and ruining them. His crush on them had been getting worse lately, only strengthening as the couple’s two-year anniversary approached and they consistently became more comfortable and affectionate with each other, causing half the group to constantly fake-gag and the other half to coo.

It was hard knowing he’d never be good enough for them, but even harder having to watch them every day, having to witness what he’d never be able to have. Even if he did get over his crush on them, who’d want him after this? Who’d want someone so unstable and so indecisive that they couldn’t even handle one singular crush? 

Felix hadn’t even realised he’d spaced out before there was a harsh flick to the side of his face, causing him to jump as he pressed a hand against his cheek and whipped around, catching the sight of Hyunjin’s fingers inches from his face.

“Really, Hyunjinnie?” Felix faked annoyance, watching as Hyunjin smirked at him with half-amusement, half-concern, his hand falling down to land between the legs he was crouching on.

“Break’s over dummy,” he said like it was obvious, tilting his head to the side and gesturing at the rest of the group who were all stood in the middle of the room staring expectantly at them. 

“Oh,” Felix swallowed, trying not to act too surprised at how far in his head he had been, “Right, sorry.”

He quickly pushed himself off the floor, pretending not to see the hand Hyunjin stuck out to help him. He didn’t need the rest of the group thinking he was helpless, he really needed to get over himself.

Several looks of concern followed him as he made his way to his position, trying to act as natural as possible so as not to divert more attention to himself. It wasn’t like him to be down or to space out; he was still excitable and bubbly even when he was pining and so his actions were probably already worrying the group. He cursed himself as he walked over, telling him he just needed to fall into his regular, happy routine again. 

But it was all ruined by Felix looking up into the mirror just in time to catch Woojin and Chan sharing a concerned look with each other, Chan reaching out to squeeze Woojin’s hand as the eldest’s eyes narrowed in worry. Felix didn’t know why the thought of the couple worrying over him sent an arrow directly through his chest, but it had him doubled over coughing a second later.

It came on so fast. One second he was waiting for the music to start and trying to ignore the apprehension around him and the next he was hacking into his hands, sweat gathering on his forehead and eyebrows knitting together in confusion as he tried to process why the hell his throat suddenly felt like it was being ripped apart. 

The coughs racked his entire body, his back rippling as he wrapped one hand around his stomach and pressed the other to his mouth, brain frantically scrambling to figure out what was going on.

“Woah, Felix!” he heard the exclamation and several others from behind him as a couple of members ran to his side, the rest trying to give him space but watching worriedly all the same. A hand started to stroke at his back and another pulled his hair out of his face, trying to wipe away the sweat that was gathering on his forehead as he continued to choke harshly against the air scratching jaggedly against the inside of his neck.

It lasted about 30 seconds, Felix really starting to feel like he couldn’t breathe before he could have sworn he felt a physical object squeezing its way around the tubes in his throat. His eyes widened at the feeling, oxygen momentarily unable to reach his lungs, but then whatever it was seemed to wriggle away and the coughing stopped, leaving Felix panting and gasping for air as his hands flopped down to rest on his knees. 

“Felix?” the hand rubbing his back stopped, and Felix felt whoever it was leaning down so their face was next to his, trying to meet his eyes that were now tightly shut, “Felix, are you okay?”

Felix managed to nod, swallowing heavily as he waited for the world to stop swaying around him, air now flowing freely in and out of his lungs and chest starting to hurt a little less as whatever it was that had caused his cough fit seemed to fade away. 

“What was that?” Another voice asked, presumably the owner of the hand that had moved from Felix’s bangs and was now running gently through the hair on the back of his head, “Lix, are you sick?”

Felix frantically shook his head, finally gathering up the energy to force himself into a standing position, the world blurring around him a little as he opened his eyes and tried to blink away how much they were watering with all the coughing.

“I’m fine,” he croaked, running a hand through his hair as he leant on Minho, the one who’d had his hands in Felix’s hair, “I’m not sick. I’m not… I’m not entirely sure what that was.”

The admittance scared him a little. It wasn’t everyday you just choked on air to the point you couldn’t even stand up straight, especially if you’d shown no prior signs of even being sick. The group seemed to be thinking the same thing, all of them sharing concerned looks at each other that Felix was easily able to see in the mirror.

“Seriously, you guys,” he said, turning to face them and letting go of Minho to prove his point, “I’m okay. I don’t know what that was, but I’m not sick or anything, I promise. I probably just… I don’t know… I probably just swallowed my water funny or something.”

It was a lousy explanation and Felix knew it, but he seriously couldn’t think of anything else. One fleeting thought passed through his mind, one terrifying thought that he’d hoped would never come to him, but he pushed it away. It was way too soon to be thinking to be thinking of things like that. He was okay. He was going to be okay.

“Right,” Chan, who was still standing questioningly close, said as he raised an eyebrow, seemingly still trying to decide whether he was going push the matter or not, “You can sit this practice out if you want? It’s not a big deal.”

“I’m fine, hyung,” Felix took a step back, “Let’s just get started.”

The rest of the group all shared a look, one that made Felix sigh before Chan nodded and went over to the speaker to press play, re-taking his position in the centre of the group.

Halfway through the dance, Felix felt another cough trying to force its way up into his throat, a strange tickle swirling irritatingly in his chest. He was more prepared for it this time though, and was able to swallow it down, letting his body follow the movements of the dance as he internally contemplated what the hell could be wrong with him, throat feeling scratchy and raw. 

He managed to make it through the rest of practice relatively easily, but he still found himself attracting attention. There were now sharp shooting pains in his chest and every now and again he had the extreme urge to cough. He was thinking about it as he danced, executing the moves without even having to think but lacking the usual passion and energy that he put into it. He could feel the concerned glances through the mirror but ignored them as he tried to stop his brain from straying down a certain line of thought that he was absolutely refusing to acknowledge. He was just sick. He was having an off day. There was no way…

He shook his head as the last song finished, unable to stop a couple of sharp coughs from clawing their way out his lips. It hurt, it hurt his throat a lot, but he ignored it, dragging himself over to his water bottle and trying to swallow against the feeling of something tickling against the lining of his neck.

Hopefully drinking some water would make the itch go away. It didn’t.

Suddenly there was a soft hand on his shoulder and a concerned pair of eyes not far from his face. Felix turned to meet the gaze of Jeongin, the maknae suspiciously eyeing Felix’s now-empty water bottle.

“Are you sure you’re alright, hyung?” Jeongin asked, his voice sounding sceptical as Felix cursed internally. He was worrying his members now, worrying them for no good reason because he couldn’t keep himself together.

“I’m fine, Jeonginnie,” Felix smiled one of his million-dollar smiles, face lighting up like the Sun as he relaxed into his familiar-loose posture and winked, trying to show off his normal bubbly side, “Probably just have a cough coming or something, no big deal.”

Jeongin seemed to believe Felix’s words and he grinned back dazzlingly, his red hair bouncing round his forehead as his eyes crinkled and teeth flashed, the entire world once again undeserving of witnessing the maknae’s adorable smile. A few feet behind him, Felix could see Jisung practically melting into a puddle at the sight of his boyfriend’s happiness, once again reminding Felix of the type of relationship he would never have. 

It was painful seeing it so blatantly flaunted in from of him, all the beautiful relationships Felix was undeniably jealous of, but Felix was an optimist. His situation may suck with him having a crush on two very-much taken people whose beautiful minds regularly made him feel inferior, and there may be certain looming thoughts whirring through his mind relating to his sudden cough, but all Felix could see was his happy friends surrounding him. He giggled as he watched them, feeling the light-heartedness taking over his body once more.

Sure, he was lonely and, sure, it hurt, but he couldn’t let it get to him. Not all of the time, anyway. A bright sense of relief seemed to coat the room as he smiled and he revelled in it, allowing himself to make the most of one of his happier moments. 

The car ride back to the dorm was relatively peaceful, Felix able to ignore his sore throat as he chatted quietly with Seungmin in the back of one of the cars. The pair spoke English so that Seungmin could improve and Felix could feel more comfortable, the words somehow feeling a little less scratchy even with his cough. 

It didn’t mean the cough went away, though. A few of them had just walked into the living room of their dorm, everyone quietly working out what snacks they should share and who should get to shower first, when suddenly Felix was choking again. It didn’t quite double him over this time, more so forced him to lean against a nearby wall as the coughs racked his entire body, gasps and splutters tumbling out of him between the hacks as he desperately tried to pull in some air. 

There was something clogging up his throat, stretching painfully down his body and writhing against the inside of his skin. The feeling would have made him want to vomit if he wasn’t already gagging, the sounds grotesque and strangled as they tangled in the air around him. 

It only lasted about twenty seconds this time, but it left Felix dizzy and confused, his blurry brain barely even registering the hand that was now soothingly rubbing his shoulder. This had all come on so fast, had all taken over so quickly and it left him reeling. Even if this was what he was desperately hoping it wasn’t, it shouldn’t be happening this quickly. He shouldn’t already be struggling to breathe. 

“…Lix? Felix?” The urgent voice broke quickly through Felix’s mind as he pulled in one last deep breath before managing to calm down, eyes watering and face red as he brought up a shaky hand to wipe at his mouth, “Lix, you are definitely getting sick.”

Felix turned his head away from the wall he had his weight against to look at Hyunjin. The boy had been the one stood closest to Felix when the coughing had started, and so the one to reach him first to help steady him when his legs had started looking shaky. 

“Sorry,” Felix mumbled, struggling to swallow as he averted his eyes, not liking the concerned looks from the members who were still in the room. 

“Don’t apologise,” Hyunjin frowned, continuing to rub Felix’s shoulder as his brows furrowed, “It’s okay. Do you feel alright?”

“Yeah,” Felix nodded, trying to smile a little as the looks on everyone’s faces only grew more worried. It was nice having everyone worry over him like this, but it was also daunting because Felix knew they’d never understand. They’d never understand what it was like to love two guys, what it was like to never get that love in return, what it was like to literally be falling apart at that feeling of it.

No! That’s not what this cough was! Felix couldn’t let himself think like that, couldn’t let himself succumb to what he thought was going on. He was okay. He just had to continue like he always did. He was going to be fine. 

“It’s okay, Felix, I know you’re probably feeling bad,” Hyunjin said, shifting a little as Felix shook as his head and pushed himself up so he was longer leaning against the wall, “Hey, it’s okay. Do you want to sleep with Minho and I tonight?”

Felix gasped a little at the question. Sure, he had joined the couples for the night plenty of times when he was lonely or homesick or worried about his Korean, but it had been a while since it had last happened. Truthfully Felix loved those nights, they made him feel wanted, but the couples in the group had all been together for a lot longer now, and he didn’t think they’d want him intruding anymore.

“No, it’s alright,” Felix said, watching as Hyunjin shared a loving look of confirmation with Minho who was observing the scene from the doorway, “I wouldn’t want to bother you guys.”

“Felix, we’ve talked about this,” Changbin said from his seat on the sofa where he had been watching worriedly the whole time, “I know we all tease you for being the single one a lot, but we don’t want you to consider yourself some sort of ninth wheel or something. You’re never a bother to us, okay? We love you so much and we’d all be happy to cuddle you in bed for the night if you’re getting sick.”

“He’s right,” Minho said, eyes blinking in concern as he looked at Felix, “Lixie, you’re more than welcome to join Jinnie and I tonight.”

Warmth spread through Felix at the words, encouraging him to be the naturally clingy and affectionate person he usually was. He loved cuddling the group, loved having them coddling him, loved initiating affection with them. It was just in his nature to be clingy, and the group understood it, often finding it adorable more than anything, and so their romantic relationships were never threatened by him and his love of skin-ship. Of course, it often felt a little different when it came to Chan and Woojin, but they still doted on him all the same.

Felix had been about to open his mouth to say yes to Hyunjin and Minho’s offer, but then Chan and Woojin walked into the room holding hands and Felix felt his world spin. He choked on a couple more coughs, hand flying in front of his mouth as Hyunjin whipped round to face him. Chan and Woojin immediately looked more alert, hands visibly squeezing each other’s, and Felix felt the warmth in his chest being replaced by a prickly sense of discomfort. 

Looking at Chan and Woojin, looking at them in each other’s baggy t-shirts with messy hair and eyes only for one another, only reminded Felix how disgusting he was. He had this perfect couple in front of him and all he wanted to do was taint them, intrude on them, cause chaos in their relationship. How could Felix even dare to feel this way about them? How could he even think about sharing a bed with other perfect couples when he was like this? 

He was a mark on the face of beauty that was the group, and he couldn’t let himself corrupt them anymore. 

“No, it’s okay,” Felix forced the words out of chapped lips, hating himself for declining Hyunjin and Minho’s offer but also knowing there wasn’t another choice, “I’ll sleep in my own bed tonight.”

He told himself he was imagining the looks of disappointment on the couple’s faces, and the growing looks of confusion and worry Woojin and Chan displayed as they tried to work out the scene, evidently confused by whatever conversation had been happening before they walked in.

Felix didn’t give them a chance to ask though as he quickly bid goodnight to everyone before practically scurrying out the room, wanting to bury himself under his covers and lose himself in dreamworld for long enough that maybe he could put this whole day behind him.

He chatted a little with Jeongin as the two brushed their teeth together, Felix glad not all the members had seen his second coughing fit as he smiled at the maknae’s adorable yawns and tired eyes. It wasn’t long, however, before Jeongin was swooped away by Jisung so the two could fall asleep together and so Felix was left alone as he chugged down two glasses of cold water, hoping it would feel nice against his throat.

The icy relief was only temporary, but Felix decided it would have to do as he dragged himself up to his top bunk and pulled the covers over his head, listening to the sounds of the dorm falling asleep around him. 

 

. . . 

 

The cough only got worse after that, and Felix was becoming more aware of the objects he could feel blocking up his throat. It was uncomfortable, often cutting off his oxygen supply and stretching painfully against his skin when the coughing fits hit, but he was still in firm denial about what the illness was.

The rest of the group were watching him like hawks, making him soup and bringing him extra bottles to practice and making him sit down whenever it got too bad. It was nice of them, but Felix could also see the guilt and sadness reflected in all their eyes. Whenever one of them was sick, they always had a boyfriend they could go to for cuddles and comfort, a boyfriend who could gently and sweetly take care of them, a boyfriend who could gradually replace the discomfort of the illness with a soft, warm feeling of love. Unfortunately for Felix, he didn’t have that, and although the group tried their best to bring that feeling of relief to him, Felix knew it would never be the same. 

“Right, I’ve had enough,” Chan’s leader voice broke through Felix’s thoughts as he dozed off in the corner of the practice room, face pressed against the mirror with a half-full bottle in his hand and another empty one lying next to him, “Felix, you’re clearly getting sicker and this practice is most definitely not helping. Go home and go to bed, okay? You can sit this one out.”

The words felt like knives in Felix’s chest, prompting him to look up quickly, eyes wide and face sad. Although he knew Chan was just looking out for him, Felix couldn’t help but feel like he was being sent away. Truthfully, he’d messed up a lot this practice and had to stopping dancing altogether a couple of times to cough. He understood why Chan was saying it would be better for him to sit out, but that didn’t mean he liked it. 

“I’m fine, hyung,” he mumbled, trying to push himself up the wall to stand up, grimacing against the shooting pains in his chest, “I can stay.”

Chan’s eyes changed from authoritative to soft and he quickly rushed over to gently help Felix stand up, hands tender as they locked around Felix’s upper arms to keep him steady.

“Lix, I get it,” he said gently, tugging up Felix’s chin to look sincerely into his eyes, “I know you hate missing practice, but it’s okay. You’re only going to get sicker if you continue like this. So, go home and rest, okay? We’ll stop by the shop on our way home and bring you some cough medicine.”

“Hyung,” Felix tried to protest, but Chan shook his head, gesturing at Woojin to pick up Felix’s stuff for him so Felix could leave.

“This isn’t up for discussion, Pixie,” he said softly, but in a way that Felix couldn’t argue with, throwing in the nickname only he was allowed to call Felix just to make the younger melt more, “We just don’t want you getting sicker.”

Felix could only nod as he took his bag with his phone and wallet and everything in it and the extra water bottle that Woojin handed to him. He was just about to turn to leave the room when Woojin pulled him forward and planted a soft kiss on his forehead, lips loving and tender against the heat of Felix’s skin. 

A gasp left Felix at the action, a feeling of euphoria exploding in his chest that had him reeling for a whole second before it was replaced by a deep, painful longing as he processed it. His eyes snapped to Chan, worried that the leader would get jealous at the action, but he only gazed endearingly at the two and Felix felt the coughs building again.

“Feel better, okay bunny?” Woojin said softly, face soft and gentle as Felix managed a nod before turning and bolting out the door.

He’d made it about a couple of corridors away from the practice room before he collapsed against a nearby wall and doubled over, entire body racking with the force at which the chokes started attacking him. He felt the force of it hitting against every cell in his body as he hacked, tears streaming down his face and skin going a gruesome red. 

It was with wide eyes that he suddenly realised there was something sliding sickeningly up his throat and he needed to get to a bathroom now! He stumbled over to the nearest toilet door and darted into one of the stalls, barely having time to lock the door and drop his belongings before he was on his knees, choking brutally over the toilet. 

A mere matter of seconds passed before he was groaning uncomfortably around the suffocating feeling of flowers crawling up his throat. They strangled him as they left his mouth, tickling disgustingly against his lips and sticking to the drool on his neck as he heaved, entire body contorting and distorting with the feeling of it. 

He wanted to throw up. He wanted to throw up so bad. But he couldn’t because there were petals falling from his lips and landing in the toilet bowl in front of him, swirling sickeningly around his stomach and stabbing him in the chest as he struggled for oxygen, vision blurring nauseatingly around him. 

The painful, churning feeling in his chest only got worse as the flowers continued to force their way out his lips, landing in the toilet with small, devastating splashes that made Felix want to cry as he watched them drown.

Eventually, the petals stopped, and he was left shaking and gasping on the bathroom floor, the world tilting sickeningly as he wrapped both arms around his stomach. He’d tried to deny it. He’d tried to tell himself it wouldn’t come to this. But there was no lying to himself anymore.

He had hanahaki disease.

The very thought made him want to pass out on the spot, made him want to scream and cry and rip his hair out, made him want to start running and never stop. 

He’d always feared this, always worried his crushes would go too far one day, always worried that he loved so much it’d kill him, but he’d always told himself it wasn’t possible. Hanahaki disease was rare, barely even prominent nowadays as people began to learn more about it and adjusted their romantic ways in hopes of avoiding it. Felix had always told himself that he’d be able to avoid it too, that he’d never let himself fall quite so much that it would leave him crouching over a toilet choking on flowers. But here he was. There the flowers were. He had let himself down… again.

The petals were a mixture of purple and coral pink, the two colours Felix associated Chan and Woojin with. At first, he merely blinked at them in surprise. From what Felix knew about hanahaki, you only ever coughed up one type of petal, the type you associated your crush with, but then he realised he had two crushes and so most likely two different types of flowers growing inside of him. This was why the disease had come on so fast, why it had hit so unexpectedly; he was growing double the amount of flowers and coughing up twice the amount of petals, and so he didn’t think it’d be unreasonable to conclude he was going to die twice as fast. 

He had to admit the thought terrified him, but he couldn’t concentrate on much more than the blood roaring past his ears and oxygen wheezing in and out of his throat. He felt on the brink of collapse, entire body rippling and twitching in a mixture of sickness and shock. 

It took a full five minutes for him to pull himself to his feet, and then another ten for him to pick up his stuff and drag himself over to the sink to wash his face. 

He stared at himself in the mirror for a few seconds, gulping at the pale skin and tired, terrified eyes he could see looking back at him. A thousand questions were visibly swirling through his mind. Should he tell the other members about this? Should he get the surgery? Was there enough time for him to get better?

He thought about all of it on the drive home, body feeling numb and shaky as he curled up in the backseat of the almost-empty car, thoughts racing a mile a minute through his head. 

The panicked, impulsive part of his mind was telling him to pick up his phone and call the members straight away, so they could hold him and help him and tell him it was all going to be okay. But the more delicate, intricate part of his mind, the part that had a tendency to overthink everything, was whispering to him that if he told the members then they’d ask who it was he was crushing on, and then he’d have to tell them he loved the most-respected couple in the group and they’d all be so disgusted that they’d be happy to turn around and let him die. 

And didn’t Felix just hate himself for even daring to think like that? The entire group had been nothing but lovely to him and here he was doubting them. However, there was still no way to deny that them finding about his crush on Woojin and Chan would cause problems in the group, would cause awkwardness and disgust, would divide them in a way that was subtle but irreparable. Felix refused to be the cause of those kind of problems… even if it killed him. 

So, he decided he couldn’t let them know, couldn’t burden them like that. He would either get the surgery and tell them once it was done, or he would…

No! Felix wasn’t going to die. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. 

But he probably could, and he probably would.

The very thought made him want to scream and cry and laugh all at once. How had he let it get this far? How had he let it get to this point? Why was he such a failure? 

He quietly thanked the driver as they arrived at the dorm, just about having the energy to walk to the door and let himself inside, feeling his body beginning to slump in exhaustion as the adrenalin wore off.

His shoes were thrown off and bag tossed haphazardly in the corner of his room as he slumped his way over to his bed, feeling drained and sick in a way he never had before. There was the undeniable urge to cough up more flowers crawling its way up his throat, but he was able to push it down for now, trying not to think about the upcoming time when he wouldn’t be able to ignore it anymore. 

He stared apprehensively at his top-bunk, knowing there was no way he was going to be able to haul himself up there with his depleting energy levels. At least that’s what Felix told himself as he crawled into Woojin’s bed, the bed in which Chan and Woojin had slept the night before. The blankets smelled like them and Felix was able to smile as he breathed it in despite the numbness that choked him, knowing this was half the reason his situation was so terrible in the first place, but also not having it in himself to stop.

He loved Chan and Woojin, and he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to give that up… not even if it killed him.

 

. . .

 

“Felix,” the boy groaned as he listened to the whisper from above him, annoyingly trying to shake him out of his sleep, “Felix, wake up!”

There was a pair of hands of his shoulders, manhandling him as he tossed his head, numerous grumbles and whines leaving his lips as the light started to filter in through his closed eyelids. His entire body felt heavy, like he was being tied down with dead weights, and he groaned worryingly as he tried to drag in a deep breath, 100% convinced there had been an elephant stomping on his chest during the night because it felt beaten and bruised, barely rising and falling as he wheezed. 

It had been a week. A week of coughing up flowers and getting gradually weaker and sicker as the disease began to take over. The other members were seriously worried now, Felix could tell, but there wasn’t exactly much they could do. They had a comeback approaching in a couple of months and so practice schedules had been intense. Due to being sick, Felix had been excused for a lot of it but the other members had not and so they hadn’t been around to take care of him. In a way it was a blessing, it was a lot easier to hide the fact he was literally choking on petals when the group was barely around, but it was also hard having to deal with everything alone without their soft touches and gentle reassurance. 

“Felix!” the voice broke once more through Felix’s gradually re-constructing wall of sleep and he whined as he finally gave in to whoever it was. He blinked a couple of times to get rid of the sting that came when he opened his eyes to find the light in the room was already on, one figure stood next to the switch by the doorway and another leaning over him. 

“Hyung?” Felix asked after he rolled over, voice scratchy and raw.

“Hey, bunny,” Woojin smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, too full of worry and concern, “How are you feeling?”

“Um… awful,” Felix rasped, no longer having it in him to lie. It sucked bad enough having to hide the true nature of his disease, he may as well be honest about how it was making him feel.

“Oh, Lix,” Woojin’s eyes softened in sympathy, gentle fingers coming up to card through Felix’s hair as Chan stepped further into the room and came to lean over the bed.

“Lix, I really think we should get you to a doctor,” the leader said, eyes raking over Felix’s pale skin, gaunt cheekbones and shaky hands as he listened worriedly to the younger’s wheezy breaths, “It’s been a week now, and we still have no idea what this illness is.”

Felix shook his head as he tried to pull himself into a sitting position. He knew exactly what the illness was, and he knew exactly what the doctor would say; that Felix had unrequited love for two people and so he was dying twice as fast as someone who only had unrequited love for one person would. Obviously, Felix couldn’t tell Woojin and Chan that though, so instead he smiled weakly at Woojin as the older helped him to sit up and opened his mouth to croak out words he hoped were somewhat convincing.

“It’s fine, hyung,” Felix said, “I’ll just sleep for a bit whilst you guys are at practice, and then we’ll figure it out later. You guys have to leave soon, though.”

The words sounded fine to Felix as he said them, but Woojin and Chan only appeared to get even more worried. Their eyes met for a second, a silent conversation seeming to happen between them that had Felix stifling more coughs as he tried to swallow against the love that clogged his throat at the sight. 

Woojin was quick to pat his back and rub his shoulder, face coloured with a painful kind of sympathy.

“I really don’t feel okay with leaving you here all alone, Lix,” he said quietly, “You’re only getting worse and it really would be better to have someone with you.”

“Don’t worry about me, hyung,” Felix was able to say, rubbing at his watering eyes as he tried to look sincerely up at the couple, “I told you, I’ll probably just sleep.”

“I don’t know…” Chan bit worriedly at his lip for a couple of seconds, before taking a deep breath, seemingly reaching a decision, “But I know the manager will kill me if more of us miss practice. We’ll go, but seriously Felix please call us if you need absolutely anything. I mean it, okay? I know what you’re like and I know you’ll try and say you’re okay, but we know you’re not. So, please call if you need us.”

“And,” Woojin cut in before Felix could blindly agree, “Someone will be coming to check on you later and no, that is not up for negotiation.”

Felix had been about to cut in to state that really wasn’t necessary, but once again Woojin beat him to it. It was one of the things he loved about Woojin; his ability to be kind and loving, but also not take anything from anyone. No one could win an argument against Woojin, not even the incredible leadership skills of Chan, something else Felix had to admire about the couple. 

He could have spent ages lying there thinking about everything he loved about the beautiful boys in front of him, but the petals were once more rising in his throat and he really didn’t need to give them another reason to worry. So, instead he hugged them both goodbye and told them not to worry about him too much as they reluctantly trailed out the room holding hands as they left.

Felix’s eyes started to droop as he listened to the members all leaving the dorm, feeling the silence beginning to coat him as they shut the door behind them. 

It wasn’t long before he was asleep again, dreaming of deep purples and coral pinks as the petals swirled around inside of him.

Chan had always been purple to Felix. It was a colour associated with night-time, with twilight, with richness and deepness and darkness that all came together to perfectly form Chan’s aura. He had a certain maturity about him, a love of dark aesthetics, a way of commanding a room that made him a good leader. But purple was also warm, it was the colour little children liked to dress their dolls in, a colour associated with comfort and happiness and calmness that Chan was always able to embody. It was a very multi-dimensional colour, just like the multiple layers and talents there were to the parental, but also childlike leader that was Bang Chan. 

He was so different yet so similar to the coral pink that was Woojin. Coral pink was an odd colour; a mix of oranges, yellows and reds that swirled together to form a beautiful pastel kind of pink. It was passionate but also considerate, powerful but also calming, commanding but also nurturing. It was an optimistic colour, associated with beauty and peace and kind motherly smiles that Felix always melted at whenever he saw Woojin. It reminded him of a breath of fresh air, of an ocean’s gentle wave, of nurturing mother nature, of the kindness that was Kim Woojin.

On the surface, the dreams may have seemed nice and kind, but they only contributed further to Felix’s demise. 

He jolted awake.

He couldn’t breathe. 

The dream had brought it all back. The flowers were coming and the petals were choking him and the love was trying to strangle him. 

Felix bolted from the bed, flying down the corridor and slamming through doors as he stumbled erratically towards the bathroom, one hand firmly covering his mouth as he heaved gruesomely. 

His knees made a sickening crack as he collapsed in front of the toilet, releasing everything from his mouth all at once. The petals exploded from him like lava, clogging up his throat as he retched and gagged, air whistling rapidly in and out of him like he’d run a marathon. The pain was blinding, his throat was being hacked apart and his lips were bleeding and there were tiny little needles clawing at his chest as flowers continued to squirm their way down his throat.

There were more petals than there ever had been before, blood writhing sickeningly into the mix as his entire body jerked in time with the gags. He desperately tried to pull in breaths, making brutal strangled noises in the back of his throat as tears streamed down his face and his vision blurred horrifyingly around him. His entire body was shaking jaggedly, sobs trying to join in the mix of flowers, blood and air that were all stabbing at his neck and trying to escape his mouth, landing in and around the toilet in front of him. 

He didn’t know how long it went on, but he remembered silently begging for it stop, begging for some kind of relief, begging for just a tiny bit of oxygen to make it down his throat. His entire body was trying to fight the torture, causing him to shake and gag and scream through gritted together as his lungs twisted and skin scorched, blood suffocating his airways.

For half a second, for one tiny precious moment, the petals stopped, and Felix dragged in one hell of a mangled breath before his attention was snapped to the undeniable sound of the front door opening.

No.

No, no, no, no.

His entire world titled on its axis, everything coming crashing down around him as horror raced through his blood, his attention zeroing in on nothing but the sound of someone entering the dorm. 

Someone was home. 

Someone was here. 

They were going to find him.

“No,” Felix tried to whimper, but the flowers were coming once more and his back was deforming horribly as his body tried to expel them, sounds of agony and suffocation echoing through the walls as he heaved. This couldn’t be happening. They couldn’t be here.

“Felix!” the word sounded panicked as someone screamed it and Felix’s vision snapped towards the bathroom doorway. He wanted to close the door. He needed to close the door. He couldn’t let them know, couldn’t let them see. 

But he barely even had the strength to raise his hand and he was sobbing with panic as he listened to two sets of footsteps coming towards him, coming towards the door that he didn’t have the energy to even attempt to close.

“Please,” Felix didn’t even know what he was begging for, what he was hoping to achieve, but he couldn’t stop the whimper leaving him as the last petal fell into the toilet in front of him. There was blood and flowers everywhere, tears all over his face and a sickening feeling of terror itching at his skin, a feeling that only ignited further as two figures crashed into the doorway, arms clinging on to one another.

“Felix!” the shout was mangled, filled with fear and concern that was nothing compared to the looks that dawned in Changbin and Seungmin’s eyes as they caught sight of the room, bodies completely frozen in an alarming sense of shock and disbelief.

Felix watched the gears turning in their heads, watched the pieces coming together in their minds to form a picture that he’d desperately hoped none of his bandmates would see. But it was too late now. It was too late. They were staring at him and he had blood on his lips, flowers in his lungs and love for two people he would never get back. 

They were going to see it all. 

They were going to see everything.

“I’m sorry!” Felix cried, unable to stand the silence anymore as he brought his hands up to cling to his hair, body shaking in time with his sobs, “I’m so sorry!”

“Lix… no!” Seungmin spoke with nothing but shock and devastation, his entire face coloured in a horrifying kind of distress, but his steps were steady as he let go of Changbin to run towards Felix. He dropped to the floor beside him and pulled Felix into his arms, starting to cry into his hair as Felix wept into his chest, “We’re so sorry, Lix. We should have noticed, oh my god we’re so sorry.”

The words only made Felix cry harder as he frantically shook his head. Seungmin shouldn’t have to apologise. None of them should have to apologise. This was all Felix’s fault. It was his fault for being such a mess. His fault for pining over what he couldn’t have. His fault for not being good enough.

At some point, Felix realised he must have been speaking out loud because Seungmin was desperately pulling him closer, full-on sobbing into Felix’s hair as he tried to rock him back and forth, crying about how Felix was good enough, how it was going to be okay, how they were going to fix it.

It was then that Changbin seemed to come back into reality. He’d been slumped against the doorway, watching the scene with tears streaming down his face and shock twisting against his features, but then the combination of his boyfriend’s distraught voice and Felix’s rapid crying seemed to snap him out of it and he stumbled over to the toilet, desperate to clean away the blood and petals.

He’d been about to grab some tissue when he was frozen once more, eyes widening and all breath leaving his body as the last piece fell into place, forming the final picture that had his blood running cold. 

“Oh my god… Felix…” his voice was so scared, so terrified as he turned around to catch sight of the boy bundled up in Seungmin’s arms, looking so goddamn small, so goddamn skinny, so goddamn broken, “F-Felix… it’s two?”

He whispered the question, barely able to even process it as Seungmin’s head whipped up, eyes dancing with absolute horror. He scanned the room, taking in as much as he could before he caught sight of the petals, the petals that weren’t just one colour, the petals that were twice as suffocating as they should be. 

“Oh my god… Lix no, please no,” Seungmin was crying again, gripping Felix with all his might as he shook his head and tried to deny it, tried not to think about how much his friend was suffering, tried not to think about all the awful things this meant for him, “Lix, that means it’s twice as bad. Please, no, please please please, no.”

The words broke Felix, tore him apart from the inside out as he felt his heart shattering. He was hurting them. He was hurting his friends. He was breaking and bringing them down with him, forcing them to crack apart as he ripped at the seams. 

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, staring desperately into Seungmin’s terrified eyes, “I tried to stop. I tried to make it go away. I couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t work. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry”

“Oh god, Felix,” Seungmin sounded broken as he cradled Felix’s head against his chest, rocking him as he just tried to stop the tears. It all made sense now. It all made so much sense. Felix’s cough, the way Felix always seemed to be pining even though Seungmin could never pinpoint one member it could be, the way Felix’s illness had come on so fast. Seungmin couldn’t believe no one had noticed, couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it, “I’m so sorry, Lix. I should have noticed, I’m sorry.”

Felix was crying and shaking his head again as Changbin hesitantly came over and shakily wiped the blood from Felix’s mouth, grabbing another tissue to wash away the tears. He kept his movements gentle and was able to lowly shush both Seungmin and Felix despite the storm raging on in his own mind. There was still blood all over the bathroom floor and petals that he wanted to throw away and pretend didn’t exist, but there was no denying this, no denying the shock that was clogging his every vein as he just tried to process what his friend was dealing with. 

“Hey, it’s okay, we’re going to make this okay,” Changbin whispered as Felix started to sniffle, going weak and limp in Seungmin’s hold. Seungmin responded by pulling the boy closer to his chest, rubbing his back and stroking his hair to keep him upright as the tears on his own face started to dry.

“Hey, Seungminnie,” Seungmin looked up at Changbin’s voice, meeting his boyfriend’s eyes with nothing but terrified concern as Changbin brought his hand up to cup his face, rubbing his thumb along his cheek for gentle reassurance, “Why don’t you take Felix to lie down? I’ll clean up in here and then join you, okay?”

Seungmin managed to nod, placing a short tender kiss on Changbin’s lips to help them share strength before wrapping his arms all the way around Felix and pulling him up to stand. 

Felix groaned and flopped heavily against Seungmin at the action but was able to get his feet under him and somewhat stand on his own to try and make it easier for the pair. He tried to hold back the coughs as Seungmin half-carried, half-dragged him out the room, but a couple managed to escape him and Seungmin rubbed his back the whole time, whispering to him that he could lie down soon.

Another coughing fit hit as Felix was lowered down onto the sofa and Seungmin was quick to grab a blanket and drape it over both of them, pulling Felix into his side and holding him through it.

Thankfully, no petals fell this time, but Felix still felt his chest being ripped apart and lungs constricting inside of him, reminding him of all that was wrong with his body.

The pair fell into a pained silence, Seungmin playing softly with Felix’s hair as they listened to the sound of Changbin cleaning up in the bathroom, destroying all evidence of what had just happened.

Felix was just starting to doze off when the silence was broken by Seungmin hesitantly saying his name, voice scared and shaky as he refused to move his eyes away from the blank spot in front of him, almost like he was too terrified to look down at Felix.

“What is it, Minnie?” Felix asked quietly.

Seungmin paused for a couple of seconds, adams apple twisting in his throat as he tried to work up the courage to speak.

“…who is it?” he whispered the question, firmly avoiding Felix’s gaze as he felt the boy tense in his arms, “Who are the two people… the two people that you love?”

On any other occasion, Seungmin would have used the word ‘like’, automatically assuming that Felix merely liked the people he was crushing on. But it had easily been proved today that what Felix felt was a lot more than ‘liking’ them, there were flowers all over the bathroom floor as evidence for that.

“Seungmin…” Felix looked down, unsure how he was supposed to answer. Part of him just wanted to let go of all of it, to tell Seungmin everything and have him hold Felix tight, sharing the burdens he had to carry and making them that little bit lighter. Seungmin already knew he liked two people, what could get worse than that? But then Felix remembered who those two people were, how inferior he was compared to them, how disgusted Seungmin would be that Felix even dared to like them, “Seungmin… I-I can’t.”

“Felix, please,” Seungmin was looking at Felix now, eyes dancing with desperation to be let in, to be allowed to help Felix, to be able to try and make this all better, “I’m not going to judge you or anything like that. Please Lix, I just want you to be okay.”

Seungmin sounded so sincere, so earnest, so caring that Felix couldn’t help but choke on a sob, curling into his friend and clinging to his shirt like he was all he had left. He’d wanted someone to talk to about this for so long, someone to spill all his worries to, someone to understand so maybe he could finally make himself feel better. Now this opportunity was finally presenting itself and it should feel so good, Felix should be so happy… but he wasn’t because he was dying, because the pain wasn’t going to ease, because it wasn’t all going to go away. At the end of this Felix was probably going to die. He was finally getting to tell someone who was willing to listen and instead of relief, he was only going to keep fading, keep choking, and the love was going to strangle him until there was no one. He was going to lose it all.

“It’s Chan-hyung and Woojin-hyung,” Felix sobbed into Seungmin’s chest, feeling the boy freeze as he spoke, the words twisting like bile in his throat, “I’m sorry, I know I don’t deserve them. I can’t help it, I tried to make it stop, but it never worked. I’m sorry.”

It was that moment that Changbin decided to walk into the room, having heard everything that had just been said. He was quick to settle himself under the blanket, using his strong arms to pull both Seungmin and Felix against him, running each of his hands through their hair as Felix continued to cry.

“Shhhh, Felix,” he whispered, locking eyes with Seungmin who merely stared back at him in shock, unsure how to process the news of Felix’s crushes as Changbin just tried to bring comfort to the both of them, “Don’t say that, okay? We all love you, Felix. You deserve all of us, even Woojin-hyung and Chan-hyung. Don’t cry, love, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

Felix really didn’t know how anything was going to be okay, but he chose not to voice his thoughts as the couple continued to hold him. They were being so sweet to him, so nice to him and, deep down, he felt guilty. He may not have been apart of any of the couples in the group, but he knew they still cared about him, he knew they still loved him, and now he was going to leave them. He was going to leave them behind as an eight, when all they’d ever wanted to be was a nine. He was causing them all pain and letting them all down.

“Lix,” Seungmin said quietly, looping his fingers gently under Felix’s chin and tugging it upwards so he could stare into Felix’s eyes, swallowing heavily at all the self-hatred he could see swirling within them, “Have you considered the surgery?”

Felix opened his mouth to answer, but then closed it again as he realised he didn’t know what to say. Truthfully, he had thought about the surgery, and he could barely admit to himself how much the idea terrified him. Losing all the love in his heart, losing all the love he had for not only Chan and Woojin, but also for the other members in the group, for his friends and family and stays, sounded like Felix’s worst nightmare. He didn’t know if there’d be anything left of himself if he lost all that, if there’d even be anything left for him to live for. 

Everyone knew Felix was a naturally soft and clingy person. He craved physical affection and skin-ship, he loved cuddling up with the members, he adored holding them and showing how much he loved them. He bought gifts for them frequently, he stayed up late with them if they were busy, he avoided sleep so he could call his family back home and sent them presents through the post. He loved posting on Instagram and going on vlive for stays, he treasured telling them he loved them no matter where in the world they were. He did everything he could to make sure they felt appreciated, even if he was the only person trying to help them feel like that. Would he lose all that if he lost all the love in his heart? Would he even be himself anymore if all that was gone?

“I… I don’t know if I can,” Felix’s voice cracked as he answered Seungmin, watching painfully as devastation fell on his and Changbin’s faces, “I don’t know if there’d be anything left for me if I can’t love anymore.”

Both Changbin and Seungmin looked like they were about to object to that but seemed to stop as they processed the words. They both knew how naturally loving Felix was, and how much it would probably kill both him and the rest of the group to lose that. But they couldn’t completely lose Felix either, they couldn’t let him die.

Neither knew what to say, how to bring light into what was a very dark situation. Felix just stared at them, watching their eyes water as he felt his heart physically shatter in his chest, hating how unfair this was for all of them, how unfair it was that all his love did was bring him pain. Why couldn’t he be happy? Why couldn’t they all be happy?

The questions continued to plague Felix’s mind as his attention was quickly snapped to the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway as the rest of the members all arrived home. Felix’s blood immediately turned to ice, panic prompting him to grab onto Seungmin’s shirt and look up at the couple with wide eyes.

“Please don’t tell them,” Felix whispered, face contorted into terror and eyes begging, “They can’t know. You can’t tell them. Please.”

Changbin and Seungmin immediately looked apprehensive, sharing a look with each other before staring down at Felix like they wanted to do what he asked, but weren’t sure if they really could. 

“Felix…” Changbin started, voice sounding rough and pained, but Felix cut him off before he could go on.

“Please hyung,” Felix begged, looking so young and small and scared in their arms, “Woojin-hyung and Chan-hyung will blame themselves, and everyone will be upset, and it’ll be too much. I can’t do that to them, please. I know they need to know, and I will figure something out, but not now, not yet. Please.”

Seungmin’s heart tore at the words, and he had to blink back the tears that threatened to fall, still trying to recover from the sudden shock and stress the day had thrown at him. He wanted to do as Felix asked, he really did, but this was something big, something they couldn’t hide from everyone and he hated himself for not knowing what to do. 

“Felix,” he swallowed heavily, “I won’t tell the rest of the group… on one condition.” Changbin looked up at him sharply at the words, wondering what his boyfriend could have planned whilst Felix just looked so goddamn hopeful that it made Seungmin want to burst into tears all over again. 

“I won’t tell the rest of the group, at least not for now,” Seungmin was able to continue, “If you promise me that you’ll think more about the surgery. I know you don’t want to, Lix, but we really can’t lose you, and I want you to think about it some more.”

Felix seemed to contemplate the words, his thoughts all scrambling confusingly through his mind as he considered Seungmin’s deal. He wanted to object, wanted to refuse to get Seungmin’s hopes up like that, but then he heard the group getting closer and closer to the front door and he realised he really didn’t have a choice. 

“Okay,” Felix nodded, trying to ignore the knot forming in his throat, “Okay, Seungminnie.”

Seungmin smiled gratefully at Felix and pulled him in for one last hug before the front door flew open and the dorm was filled with the shouts of six rowdy boys.

“Changbin! Seungmin!” Woojin’s yell was the loudest of all, sounding half-frustrated, half-worried as it echoed through the walls, “We told you to text us once you’d checked on Lix! Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, hyung!” Seungmin yelled back, listening as all sets of footsteps quickly changed courses and headed towards the living room where Seungmin’s shout had come from, “Sorry, we just forgot.”

Woojin looked like he was trying to appear annoyed as he walked through the door into the room, but then he caught sight of Felix bundled in the couple’s arms and the expression on his face quickly changed to concern. 

“Felix?” he hurried over, quickly pushing Felix’s hair back so he could see the younger’s face, “Are you still not feeling any better?”

“I’m okay, hyung,” Felix said quietly, looking up at Woojin with young, innocent eyes that almost distracted Woojin entirely from his pale face and swollen cheeks. 

“Oh bunny,” Woojin said worriedly, stroking Felix’s cheek as the rest of the group trailed into the room, “You don’t need to lie to me. Do you need us to get you anything? Maybe water or something?”

Felix just shook his head, moving to bury his face in Seungmin’s neck in hope that Woojin would stop stroking his cheeks. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy the elder’s touch, he probably enjoyed it more than he should, it was just that he could already feel the petals building at the action and he really didn’t have the energy left to cough up anymore, let alone try and hide it from the rest of the group. 

Fortunately, Changbin and Seungmin seemed to understand as Changbin was immediately leaning over to whisper in Felix’s ear, telling him to take deep breathes, to stay focused and try to keep it down. Seungmin was accompanying the action with soft strokes in Felix’s hair and soon Felix was able to release all his tension and once again relax into them, inhaling their scents to further distract himself from the way his crush was staring at him.

Woojin looked a little shocked at Felix turning away from him, and even more so at what Changbin and Seungmin did in response. His eyebrows furrowed a little as he tried to take in the fact that the trio seemed to know something, something that they were keeping from him. He wanted to say something, but then he felt Chan’s hands settling gently on his shoulder and pulling his face up to meet him.

“It’s okay, babe,” Chan said quietly, tilting his head over to where Felix seemed to be starting to fall asleep, “They need to rest, yeah?”

Woojin seemed to want to object, but reluctantly nodded his head as he cast one last look over the trio before moving to wrap his arms around Chan. It was true that Woojin was a worrier, often maternal in the way he fussed over his group. It was nice but it could also be overbearing at times, and that was where Chan came in. Chan knew his group needed to be taken care of, but also that they had to be left alone sometimes, that they needed to make their own decisions and grow at their own pace and so sometimes it was best to take a step back from them and let them come to him. Woojin often struggled to understand this, hence why their relationship worked so well. Woojin was the nurturer and Chan was the leader, each was able to pull the other in the right direction appropriate to the situation and do what was best for the group.

In this case, they could both see that Felix was sick and so Woojin had gone into full mother-hen mode and, as much as Chan understood the need to take care of the younger member, he also understood that Felix wasn’t feeling so great and didn’t also need the added guilt of feeling like a burden for all the members to take care of. Obviously, none of the group felt like that, but Chan knew that that was something Felix needed to come to terms with on his own, and they just had to give him a helping hand along the way.

At least, Chan hoped that that was what Felix was keeping hidden from the group. There was a tiny, whispering voice in the back of his head telling him that it was something else, something big, and that he needed to do something about it now, but he ignored it. There was no reason to believe this was anything other than a normal sickness, Chan just needed to keep his head on straight. He had his boyfriend by his side and members all happy and healthy around him, everything was okay.

“You okay?” the voice came from in front of him, quiet and sweet like honey, and Chan couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his boyfriend caring for him.

“I’m okay,” Chan said, looping his fingers through Woojin’s as they both cast one last look down to where Felix was dozing in the members’ arms before turning around and gently instructing the rest of the group to get showered and ready for the dinner that Woojin was going to cook. 

“You two stay here until he’s asleep and then carry him into bed, okay?” Chan added, directing his words to Changbin and Seungmin, the pair nodding back as Felix watched the rest of the group trail out through half-closed, drooping eyes. 

Felix’s vision may have been blurry, and he may have been tired and sick out of his mind, but he was coherent enough to watch the group leave. He watched as Hyunjin and Minho linked arms and rested against each other as they reached the doorway, throwing Felix one last concerned look before locking eyes and leaving the room, having a silent conversation between them. Felix watched as Jeongin wrapped his arms around Jisung from behind and rested his head between the boy’s shoulder blades, humming into his t-shirt as Jisung gently rubbed his arms, softly telling the maknae that they could eat soon. Felix watched as Chan looped an arm over Woojin’s shoulder and pulled the elder’s head down to rest against him as they both sighed contently, basking in each other’s wonderful presence as they walked away. 

It was all this that made Felix he really couldn’t get the surgery. He was completely surrounded by love, suffocated by it to the point that he was literally drowning in it, but he still couldn’t bring himself to hate it. What the group had was so beautiful. What each individual couple had was so beautiful. What they made Felix feel was so beautiful. Felix may not have been apart of any of their romantic relationships, but he couldn’t ever lose this feeling, couldn’t ever lose the warmth in chest and love in his heart that he held for every single one of them, couldn’t ever lose how soft they made him feel whenever they were affectionate together like this.

“I’m sorry,” Felix was still half asleep as he choked on the apology, pulling tired eyes up to look at the boys holding him, “I-I can’t do it. I c-can’t lose this feeling. I’m sorry….”

He wanted to say more, wanted to make them see, wanted to make them understand, but unconsciousness was pulling him away, dragging him to the dark place that would make him numb. Felix didn’t want to be numb. He wanted to revel in all the love around him, revel in the beauty he was surrounded with, revel in all the joy his members brought him. But he couldn’t… not when all the love around him was literally going to kill him.

So, Felix let himself be tugged away, let himself be enveloped by the darkness as he fell asleep to the sight of Changbin and Seungmin’s devastated faces above him. 

 

. . .

 

“Hey, Pixie, mind if we join you?” Chan’s voice echoed softly through the room, reaching Felix’s ears as the young boy lay tiredly in Woojin’s bed two days later. 

Felix jumped a little at the question, not realising that Chan was home. In theory, the whole group should have been out recording, but Felix had heard Chan on the phone with the manager earlier and so he figured Chan had finally succeeded in his mission in allowing someone to stay behind with Felix. He was unsurprisingly still sick and so the whole group was getting more worried by the day, but Changbin and Seungmin were still the only ones who knew what the illness really was.

At first, Felix had felt guilty for burdening them with his disease, but he had to admit it felt nice to not have to deal with it alone anymore. Now whenever Felix had to disappear to choke on petals, either Changbin or Seungmin would follow him to rub his back and whisper kind words in his ear reminding him to breathe as his chest tore itself apart. He hadn’t gotten any better, but at least it was more bearable now that he had them with him.

“Pixie? You awake?” Chan’s concerned voice broke Felix out of his thoughts as he groggily turned his head to face the door, laying on his stomach with one arm dangled over the edge of the bed. 

“Yeah, sorry hyung, I’m awake,” Felix croaked out, cracking an eye open and almost having a heart attack at the sight of both Chan and Woojin standing in the doorway, “Hyungs? Why are you both here?”

“Is that any way to greet us?” Woojin smiled endearingly as he stepped into the room, one hand holding Chan’s and the other holding a steaming mug, “I don’t have a lot left to record, so Chan was able to persuade the manager into letting both of us stay back with you.”

Felix didn’t have enough energy to do anything more than hum in response, trying to hide the war going on in his mind. In a way, having his two crushes with him was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because Felix could already feel the warmth radiating off them, could already feel the happiness and love and relief they were able to bring him through their kind smiles and tender personalities. But it was also a curse because Felix had petals inside of him, petals that churned and twisted and bloodied whenever Felix felt that warmth. There were already sharp pangs in his chest, already painful stabs in his stomach, already the uncomfortable constricting of his lungs. 

Felix wanted to have them near him so badly, but he also wanted to be able to breathe.

“You falling asleep on us, bunny?” Woojin’s soft voice was suddenly right above him and Felix flinched a little as he felt a hand hesitantly tangling in his hair, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, hyung,” Felix quickly replied, burying his face in his pillow to cover up how scared he was, “Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise,” Woojin frowned a little as he spoke, but the soothing motherly look never faded from his eyes as he gazed down at Felix from where he was seated on the edge of the bed, Chan crouched next to them both, “I made some tea for your throat, would you like some?”

Felix knew that realistically the tea was going to do nothing to help him, but he couldn’t bring himself to refuse Woojin as he nodded. Suddenly there were warm, tender hands on his shoulders helping him to sit up and he sighed as he was pulled back against Chan’s chest, the leader joining him in the bed. He could feel Chan’s chest rising and falling as he breathed, could feel Chan’s delicate fingers slowly drawing patterns on his arms, could feel Chan’s chin resting lightly on his head, and it all made him want to cry.

Felix’s chest was blooming with love and his skin was tingling with euphoria, and he should be so happy that his crush was being so affectionate with him, but instead he felt like tearing himself apart. This feeling he felt right now, this wonderful, beautiful, amazing, life-changing feeling, was what was slowly killing him, and yet he still couldn’t bring himself to hate it. He still couldn’t bring himself to stop loving them.

“Here you go, bunny,” Woojin said softly as he brought the mug up to Felix’s lips, cupping the back of Felix’s head to help him drink. 

The tea tasted like knives in Felix’s throat and he’d only taken one sip before he was choking. He jolted forward with the force of it, spitting a mouthful of blood into the mug that spewed disgustingly from his lips and left him with a disgustingly loud gag, the red trailing sickeningly from his lips to the rim of the mug,

“Felix! Oh my god, Felix! Are you oka-?!” Felix heard the strangled words as they echoed loudly around the room, felt the panicked arms wrapping around him from both sides, but he couldn’t focus on it as he shot up from the bed. His wrist hit the mug as he bolted upwards and the hot liquid scalded all down his arm as it went flying, but he was barely able to process it before he was sprinting out the room.

Terrified shouts and pleas followed Felix as he ran, but all he could pay attention to was the blood clogging up his throat and the petals threatening to leak through the hands clamped over his mouth as he dashed towards the bathroom.

He’d only made it to the kitchen doorway before an especially painful heave took him to his knees. His palms both smacked against the floor as he fell into a crawling position and suddenly the room was filled with horrible choking and gagging sounds as everything from Felix’s throat clawed past his lips and onto the floor. 

It didn’t stop. The petals kept coming and the blood kept flowing and Felix was sobbing and crying and shaking, his arms barely having the strength to keep him up as the entire room span nauseatingly around him. He continued to choke and gag, staining the floor a vile red as the purples and pinks were bloodied and destroyed by the disease inside of him.

“Felix!” the shout sounded deformed and distorted as it reached Felix’s ears, sounds fluctuating around him as his vision blurred to nothing but the blood spilling from his mouth like a waterfall. 

His entire body flinched as two people suddenly landed next to him, a pair of hands landing on his shoulders and another on his back, a panicked conversation happening around him as Felix felt eyes horrifyingly watching the way his face was going red with lack of air. 

“Felix, breathe! Please Felix, you have to breathe!” the words sounded jumbled and confusing as Felix tried to will himself to understand them, tried to get his brain to work despite the petals clawing his throat and the blood suffocating his airways. Whoever it was sounded like they were really begging, and Felix wished he could do what they asked, wished he could actually breathe, wished he wasn’t drowning in his own love.

“Bunny, you don’t need to cry, please don’t cry. It’s okay. We’re going to make this okay,” Felix instantly recognised the owner of the soothing voice, and he winced harshly as he realised that Woojin was crying too, that Woojin’s voice was shaky, that Woojin was scared just like he was. 

The room became filled with the awful sounds of everyone’s agonising sobs as Felix was finally able to pull in a deep, knotted breath, no longer choking but still shaking and crying as his lungs seized and his chest jolted and his arms wobbled like he was being electrocuted. 

His entire body was weighed down with exhaustion, shock and terror running rampant through his veins as he gagged a couple more times and for a second, Felix worried that his arms were going to give out and he was going to faceplant in his own blood. But then there was a strong pair of arms wrapping around his chest and pulling him into someone’s lap, Felix immediately choking on another sob as he realised he was being cradled in his leader’s arms. 

“Who?” Chan sounded scared, so goddamn scared as the question tumbled from his lips, his eyes wide and terrified and his arms shaking as they gripped Felix tight, “Who is it, Pixie? Oh my god, who is it that’s caused this? Tell me who it is.”

Felix only cried harder as he shook his head, one hand clinging onto Chan’s hoodie and the other clutching onto Woojin’s as the elder leaned over them both. The sobs escaped him like an avalanche and the tears streamed overwhelmingly down his face as Woojin frantically tried to shush him, gently telling him he had to calm down. Felix couldn’t calm down! He had to make them see, had to make them understand, had to make them recognise that he couldn’t tell them who it was. He couldn’t hurt them like that. 

“Please Felix,” Chan was begging now, choking on his own sobs as he looked desperately down at Felix, frantically trying to meet the younger’s eyes as Felix continued to struggle and weep, “Please tell us who it is. Please, Pixie. We need to fix this, we need to make it better, and we can only do that if you help us.”

Felix wanted to believe the words, wanted to believe them so bad, but he was already drowning in love, already being killed by whatever this was, already suffering because he’d tried to fix it. They were going to hate him when they realised who he loved. They were going to be disgusted by him. They were going to abandon him… and he’d rather die than see that happen.

“I-I can’t,” Felix felt the words cut into his throat like needles as he sobbed them, doing everything he could to avoid Woojin and Chan’s eyes, knowing he’d start choking on petals the moment he saw the kindness reflected in them. 

“Felix… please,” Woojin only spoke with a whisper, but it was powerful enough to echo around the whole room. His voice sounded so scared, so helpless, so goddamn broken that Felix froze at the sound of it, the only noise recognisable becoming his strained, painful breaths, “Felix please tell us who it is.”

Woojin’s voice cracked this time and Felix felt his heart drop down to his stomach as he realised this was the most vulnerable Woojin was ever allowing himself to be seen, the most weakness he had ever allowed himself to show in front of Felix… and it was breaking his heart.

Felix wanted to speak, wanted to explain everything, wanted to hold the two people he loved most in the world and tell them it was all going to be okay, tell them that he was fine, tell them that he loved them more than anything. But Felix’s vocal chords barely worked anymore, and he knew his mind would shatter the moment any of those words left his lips.

So, he remained frozen, a million thoughts thundering through his mind, chest rising and falling sharply, heart threatening to pound out of his ribcage as he pondered on how none of this could be really be happening.

This couldn’t be happening.

But it was happening.

It was happening right now.

There were petals on the floor and blood on his lips and two people who were simultaneously saving and shattering his entire world huddling around him. How on Earth was he supposed to put any of that into words for them? What words were there in any language that Felix would be able to use to try and make them understand?

It was then Felix realised that there were no words to explain this, but there was something else. 

Felix’s body started moving of its own accord as he tore his eyes away from the vacant spot he had been looking at and locked gazes with Woojin, gasping at the anguish swirling on the older boy’s face. Felix knew he should apologise, knew he should explain, but instead his hand shakily came up and brushed over Woojin’s jawline, fingertips barely even grazing the flesh but still sending sparks of electricity jolting through the young boy’s veins as his vision was once again blurred by tears. 

Felix swore to himself that he was going to stop there, that he refused to cause anyone anymore pain, but he had completely lost control of himself as he slowly sat up and leaned towards Woojin, mind completely blanking as he ghosted his lip’s over Woojin’s. It was barely a kiss, barely even a peck, but Felix’s every vein sizzled at the feeling of it, fireworks exploding in his mind as the soft lips met his own. 

Two gasps rang through the room as Felix pulled away, leaving behind a smear of blood on Woojin’s lips that he forcefully ignored as he turned to Chan and gently cupped the leader’s face, pulling him in for his own kiss that lasted less than a second, just a mere brush of lips, but still felt like lightning on Felix’s skin. 

They had asked him who it was Felix liked, demanded to know who it was tied to those devastatingly beautiful petals lying bloodied on the floor, and Felix had shown them, shown them in the only way that felt right.

He had laid his heart down right in front of them. 

He had kissed them, and almost collapsed at the electric feeling of love it sent sparking through his chest.

The room was coated by suffocating silence, both boys staring at Felix in complete shock, blood staining their lips and the feeling of gentle fingertips ghosting over their jaws. Felix felt like he should say something, felt like he should explain it, felt like maybe he should even regret what he had just done. But instead he felt nothing as the darkness slowly started to surround him, his deep breaths slowing down as his head lolled and eyes started to droop.

“Felix…” the whisper had a million different emotions tangled into one word, a million different reactions that Felix didn’t even want to try and decipher and pick apart, barely even able to work out who it had come from in the first place.

This was really it now. 

 

They finally knew. 

They finally knew the secret that Felix had always promised to keep from them. They finally knew the reason Felix always cuddled up to them a little more than he probably should. They finally knew the true effect it was having on him.

Felix was going to die, and there was nothing they could do about it.

The last thing he heard before he passed out was the truly awful sound of his leader starting to beg. 

 

. . .

 

When Felix woke up, it was to the sound of shouting.

It wasn’t a nice sound, sending sparks of fear and worry exploding in Felix’s mind as he groaned, tossing his head back a little as he tried to open his eyes.

It should have been a simple task, all he needed to do was lift his eyelids, but his body felt heavy and there were tears drying on his cheeks and it hurt so damn much to breathe. 

He briefly registered that he was in a bed, a bed that was a lot more comfortable than the kitchen floor he had passed out on. A brief thought of someone moving him passed over his mind before he groaned again, body feeling like it was being weighed down as he struggled to wake up. He had no idea how long he had been asleep for, but long enough that apparently an argument had started somewhere else in the dorm and so Felix could only feel the presence of one other person in the room. 

The mystery person was holding his hand, and Felix could feel them shifting to lean over him, seemingly noticing that he was moving around and most likely awake. 

Felix was about to open his mouth to address them when suddenly whoever it was let go of his hand and stormed towards the door. Felix listened and flinched slightly as it was thrown open and suddenly the sounds of the argument got significantly loudly, to the point where Felix could make out the individual shouts of Changbin and Chan. 

They sounded so angry, so devastated, so confused, that it broke Felix’s heart. He didn’t know what had happened, but he assumed it had something to do with his disease and their reaction to it if the way the name ‘Felix’ seemed to be tossed into every other argument was anything to go by.

An extra-loud yell prompted Felix to turn over and painfully peel his eyes open, blinking away the weariness for his eyes to land on the sight of Seungmin standing in the doorway, his back to the bed. Felix was about to call out to him when suddenly Seungmin took a deep breath and cupped his hands around his mouth, a loud yell leaving his lips.

“Hey!” Seungmin shouted, angry enough for the arguing a few rooms away to come to an abrupt stop, “Keep it down or shut up! You’ve woken Lix up!”

An uncomfortable silence immediately suffocated the dorm, so prominent Felix almost didn’t want to move in fear that he would break it. But then Seungmin’s shoulders slumped and he tiredly turned back towards the bed with a heavy sigh, a small smile falling over his lips as he caught Felix staring straight back at him. 

“Hey Lix,” he said quietly, closing the door gently and shuffling back to the bed, “Sorry about that.”

Felix just shook his head, moving towards the other side of the bed and lifting the blanket up, gesturing at Seungmin to come and lie with him, needing the other’s presence and soft touches to help reassure him. Cuddling like this had been uncomfortable for Felix recently, too mentally exhausting for him to weigh up all the consequences that would come from lying with his crushes, or lying with another couple, or lying with someone who was in a relationship with someone else. But now he was too exhausted to even bother getting anxious about that stuff anymore, he was probably going to die soon anyway, so what did it matter?

There was also the fact that Seungmin looked extremely unhappy, staring at Felix like he knew he was going to lose him and that it was breaking him apart. If Felix offering cuddles would help ease Seungmin’s pain, then he’d always be willing to do it. Maybe it’d help him deal with the guilt he felt at leaving them all behind.

“Thanks, Lixie,” Seungmin said sadly as he settled himself under the blankets, curling his arms around himself as he snuggled against Felix’s chest, Felix immediately pulling him even closer and rubbing circles onto his back, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”

“It’s…it’s okay, Seungminnie, I’m handling it,” Felix whispered as a reply, knowing full well that Seungmin wouldn’t believe him, but also that they both cared too much about everything to stop pretending it was okay, to stop being optimistic about the horror of their situation. 

Neither said anything for a while, content to just hold each other as they listened to the other members’ conversation re-igniting somewhere else in the dorm. It wasn’t quite an argument this time, but they could both hear enough to know that it wasn’t a happy conversation either.

“What was all the shouting about?” Felix asked a couple minutes later, wanting a distraction from all the conflict he could hear around him but also needing to know what it was all about. He had a pretty good idea about the nature of it, he’d be stupid not to, but he also needed the specifics, he needed to know exactly how much pain he was causing the rest of the group.

Seungmin paused for a couple of seconds, Felix looking down to practically see the gears turning in the young boy’s head, an answer seemingly slowly forming its way in his head. 

“When we got home…” Seungmin swallowed heavily as he answered, face buried in Felix’s chest, “We found Woojin-hyung and Chan-hyung cleaning up the floor. It was… it was completely covered in your blood, Felix.”

A harsh flinch rocked Felix’s entire body, veins scalding with guilt and self-hatred as he listened to the pain in Seungmin’s voice. He couldn’t imagine how terrifying that would have been, how awful it must be to come home to find blood all over the floor, blood of your friend who you knew was dying. Of course, the rest of the group didn’t know about Felix, but in a way that was worse. Nothing could have been more unnerving than coming home to find a member missing and blood all over the floor. Felix took a deep breath against the guilt brewing in his chest, hating that he had caused that kind of pain for his group.

“Everyone freaked out,” Seungmin carried on, hand coming up to grip tightly to Felix’s bicep in an attempt to keep them both grounded, “Obviously, most of them had no idea about your… your illness and so everyone was shouting and demanding to know what was going on. Woojin-hyung and Chan-hyung they were… they were just so quiet.”

Felix closed his eyes at the words, feeling his chest tightening horribly as he pictured the scene. He could barely even think about the questions he’d left Woojin and Chan with, the horrible confusion he would have left them feeling as he passed out. 

“What…” Felix swallowed heavily, trying to reduce the shakiness in his voice, “What happened next?”

“Things really started getting out of hand,” Seungmin answered, voice still shaking and eyes still not looking up at Felix, “The other members were really panicking and Chan-hyung looked like he was about to cry. Someone pointed out that he had blood on his lips and then he just burst into tears. Everything just got worse after that.”

Felix inhaled sharply, wincing at the thought of making his leader cry, of being the cause of such a heart-breaking thing, of being the reason why their ever-faithful leader had lost all his strength. He wanted to tell Seungmin to stop, wanted to cover his ears and hide from all of it, wanted to just forget any of this was even happening… but he couldn’t. This was the pain he had caused, this was what he had done, and he needed to own up to it.

“Then Woojin-hyung got mad,” Seungmin said, thumb beginning to rub circles on Felix’s upper arm, “He made everyone shut up and sit down. Then he explained it all. He said they’d been sitting with you before you started coughing up blood, and you tried to run away but you collapsed before you could get too far. Then they chased after you and they found you choking on petals, two different types of petal. Apparently, they asked you who the petals were for, but you were crying and refused to tell them, but then… but then something in you seemed to change and you… you kissed them. Is that true, Lix? Did you really do it? Did you really kiss them?”

Seungmin’s voice got louder as he spoke, desperation beginning to fuel his movements as he pulled his head out of Felix’s chest and stared up at him, tears beginning to gather in Seungmin’s eyes. He looked so young in that moment, so young and scared and innocent that Felix just wanted to hold him and never let him go, shielding him from all the horror he had brought into his life, from all the pain that was spreading amongst them. 

“I-I did,” Felix answered, voice cracking and tears threatening to fall as he spoke, “Oh god, I really kissed them, didn’t I? Oh god. They just looked so upset and scared and they were asking who it was and I didn’t know how to tell them and I don’t know something just came over me and I kissed them. Oh my god, I actually kissed them. I must have freaked them out so badly oh god, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey Felix, shhh,” Seungmin was hugging Felix now, swapping their positions and pulling Felix against his own chest as Felix started to cry, “They needed to know, okay? They needed to know and you did well telling them. It doesn’t matter how you told them, Lixie, they will always love you.”

It hurt. It hurt so bad to hear Seungmin say that, but it was also exactly what Felix needed to hear. It was done now, the truth was out, and there was nothing he could do about it. But he could focus on moving forward, on making his peace with the situation, on just trying to make everything right before he left it all behind.

“Thank you, Seungminnie,” Felix sobbed into Seungmin’s chest, hands coming up to cling to his shirt, “Thank you so much. I love you. I’ll never stop loving you, I hope you know that.”

“I know, Felix,” Seungmin whispered back, voice laced with a million different kinds of pain that sent daggers piercing directly through Felix’s heart, “I love you too. I’ll always love you.”

 

. . .

 

The next few days passed in a whirl for Felix. He spent half of it kneeling over a toilet and the other half lying around. Sometimes he’d lie on one of the members’ beds (there was now absolutely no chance of him climbing up to his own) and other times, when he had a little bit more energy and wanted to interact with everyone, he’d lie on the sofa. But no matter where he was, there was always at least one other member plastered to his side. 

Whether it was cuddling him under blankets, or rubbing his back whilst he choked, or simply sitting with him and talking, there were always other members with Felix now, and he found himself eternally grateful for it, drawing from his friends the strength he was starting to lack.

The only members who weren’t frequently with him were Chan and Woojin. The couple still interacted with Felix, bringing him meals and taking care of him when he struggled, but they always had this look in their eyes, this guilty look that pulled them away and left Felix alone when they’d spent too long together and the emotions got too much.

Felix understood, he really did, but it also hurt to have them pull away from him, to have them so far away when he really didn’t know how many more chances he was going to have to spend time with them. He needed to tell them that it was okay, that it wasn’t their fault, that they didn’t need to blame themselves for what was going on. But they were always so distant, so keen to get away, that Felix had spent many nights this past week crying into other members’ shirts when he realised he may never be allowed the comfort of telling them that.

Chan had been out of the dorm a lot. Apparently, he had told the manager about Felix’s situation and now there were endless meetings happening about what was supposed to be done. Felix had tried to get involved, tried to fix the mess he had caused, but the other members told him not to worry about it. They said they were going to take care of everything and all Felix needed to do was focus on being as comfortable as possible. 

Felix had tried to argue back, claiming he should have a say in all of it, but his energy was depleting and his health was declining and he soon realised he definitely did not have the physical or mental ability to attend any meetings, so he put his trust in the members’ and managers’ capable hands. 

He was currently lying on the sofa, head cushioned as he snoozed lightly on Jisung’s lap. He wasn’t quite asleep, but wasn’t quite awake either, merely focusing half-heartedly on the soft fingers carding through his hair and the short breaths wheezing in and out of him. 

The rest of the members were dotted around the dorm, Minho and Hyunjin in the kitchen in the next room, fussing over the stove to try and make dinner for the rest of the group, shouting at Jisung to get off his butt and come and help them while Jisung just shouted back that Felix was on top of him and so he couldn’t move. Felix knew he most definitely would have been able to move if he needed to, but he figured Jisung liked having the excuse to be lazy. 

“I should keep you around more often,” Jisung chirped to Felix a few minutes later, after some very loud curses from the couple in the kitchen, “I like having an excuse to not help with dinner.”

Felix snorted from where his nose was practically pressed into Jisung’s stomach, not opening his eyes but still allowing the smile to take over his face.

“I don’t even know why they want you to help,” Felix responded, “We all know that you and cooking are not good friends.”

“Hey!” Felix didn’t need to open his eyes to know that Jisung was pouting, “It’s not my fault the stove doesn’t listen to me.”

A small giggle left Felix’s lips at that, and it felt good to hear the sound falling from his lips. He was still half asleep, but there was a small sense of happiness buzzing within him, and he didn’t even think as he spoke next.

“You’re funny, Sungie,” he said, “Please don’t ever stop being funny, even if I’m not here, I still want you to be funny.”

The temperature in the room seemed to drop as the entire atmosphere went cold at Felix’s words, the young boy barely even realising what he’d said. Felix quickly opened his eyes and turned to look up at Jisung, confused at the sudden silence. He found Jisung looking down at him with tears starting to brew in his eyes, a shocked look twisting against his features as his fingers stilled in Felix’s hair.

“Jisung…” Felix said the name like it was the most precious word on his tongue, like he was trying to make the most of every second he got to say it, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, that was insensitive…”

“No, Lix,” Jisung frantically shook his head, quickly bringing up a hand to wipe at his eyes as he drew in a shaky breath, “You should be able to say things like that. You should be able to say whatever you want, it’s just… it’s just I really don’t want you to leave.”

Jisung’s voice was reduced to a strained whisper as he finished speaking, one hand covering his mouth as the tears refused to stop. The sight broke Felix’s heart, guilt once again flooding his veins as he sat up as steadily as he could, bringing up a small hand to cup Jisung’s face.

“I know you don’t, Sungie,” Felix said, trying to keep his voice calm but unable to swallow back the knot in his throat, “I know you don’t, and I am so so so unbelievably sorry. But you still need to be funny, okay? You need to do that, for me. Please do it for me, Sung.”

It looked like it was the most painful thing he’d ever done, but Jisung nodded at that, his chest stuttering as he refused to meet Felix’s eyes, too afraid of seeing the pained resignation swirling within them.

“Thank you, Sungie,” Felix whispered, swiping one last thumb over Jisung’s adorable chubby cheek to rid it of its tears.

But the tears didn’t stop, and Felix was soon pulled sobbing into Hyunjin and Minho’s arms as Jeongin swept into the room. It was almost like he had a sixth sense for his boyfriend crying because he headed straight for Jisung, bundling him into his hold and gently pulling him away, both of them crying.

 

. . .

 

It was 2am one random evening when Felix’s condition took a turn for the worse.

He was huddled over the toilet, barely even able to breathe as the blood and petals just kept coming and coming and coming. 

His eyes watered and his throat retched and he could barely hold himself up as his body continuously heaved, stomach tightening and back rippling as he clung to the sides of the toilet, silently praying for it all to stop.

There were several members around him, crying and shouting and rubbing his back as he hacked and choked and gagged, tears streaming down his face and head spinning as his body violently shook with the discomfort of all of it. 

He didn’t want to say anything. but he was beginning to suspect that it was time.

It was time for Felix to go.

It was time for all it to end.

The other members seemed to suspect the same thing. Their tears joined Felix’s, all of them telling him they loved him and instructing him to breathe and begging to hang on, to hang on just a little longer so they could hold him some more. 

Pain sparked along every inch of Felix’s skin as he listened to them, not wanting to die to the sound of agony in their voices. 

But he couldn’t deny that he wouldn’t die any other way, surrounded by his members, surrounded by the people he loved, surrounded by the people he was eternally grateful he’d been able to find. His life had truly started with them, and it was almost poetic in how it’d end with them too. 

The only thing Felix would change was Chan and Woojin. The two were suspiciously absent, not bothering to try and squeeze themselves into the crowd in the bathroom, despite definitely being able to hear what was going on.

It hurt. 

It hurt Felix not to be able to say goodbye to them, but he understood. He’d messed with them, he’d thrown a spanner into their relationship, he’d never been as strong as he’d promised them he would be, and now they were suffering for it. He couldn’t blame them for wanting to stay away.

One awful, horrible choking sound vibrated disgustingly through his entire body as a whole array of petals squirmed past Felix’s lips, and it was with a cold rush of terror that he realised he couldn’t breathe.

It all happened so fast.

Suddenly Felix was choking, really choking, face going disastrously red and eyes widening in horror as he collapsed against someone’s back, panicked voices all starting to scream around him as the world blurred in front of his eyes. 

The pain was immense, it burned along every vein in his body as he scrambled for oxygen, wanting to scream at the darkness beginning to coat his vision.

He was terrified.

He was shaking. 

He was dying.

They didn’t love him. They didn’t love him, and they never would. And now he was going to die for it.

Felix wished he could open his mouth, wished he was able to speak, wished he could rasp out one final, devastated goodbye before the sight of the members crying around him faded away. But he had never had his wishes fulfilled before, so why would it start now? Felix realised that luck had never been on his side, not even from the beginning, and so maybe it was always inevitable that he was going to die like this, that he was going to die drowning in the one thing that had always allowed him to keep going: love.

“NO!” the shout was loud and painful and all kinds of devastated as it forcefully pierced the air, Felix feeling his heart burn at the sound of it, “NO PLEASE!”

Suddenly the shouts were louder, and the entire world was speeding around him, two new figures crashing into the room and bringing chaos in their wake. People were yelling and crying and trying to push each other away, flying into the doorway and trying to scramble back in as someone screamed at them to “please leave! Please leave so they could fix this!”

Felix was panicking, panicking because this wasn’t how he wanted to die. This wasn’t the last thing he wanted to see. He wanted peace. He wanted calm. He wanted… 

He wanted Woojin and Chan. 

“FELIX!” 

Felix’s eyes flew open at the yell. Chan. 

Chan was here.

Chan was leaning over him, staring down at Felix’s choking form with terror on his face and dread in his eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Felix, I’m so sorry,” Chan shook uncontrollably as he spoke, frantically gathering up Felix in his arms and pulling him close, “Felix breathe, please breathe, oh god Felix you need to breathe.”

But Felix couldn’t breathe. His throat was tightening and his lungs were constricting and his vision was fading, dragging him away from a world he never wanted to leave behind.

“Pixie, please,” Chan was full-on sobbing now, drowning out the sounds of Woojin yelling in the background, yelling that they needed to be left alone, that they needed to do this, “Pixie, don’t go. You can’t go. Pixie, please hold on, hold on for me. I need you to hold on.”

Felix couldn’t even begin to describe the pain in Chan’s voice, the pure unfiltered desperation that stuck to his every word as he spoke around his sobs, face completely covered by tears. 

It hurt Felix so bad that he couldn’t do as Chan asked, couldn’t complete his final request, but the petals were coming and the blood was flowing, and Felix’s entire world was going dark around him. He was no longer in control, he was no longer alive enough to take care of his own body.

“Oh god, no! Woojin! WOOJIN GET HERE NOW!”

Felix heard more than saw Woojin flying in and collapsing next to them, his entire body stuttering with fast breaths and unfiltered panic that roared forcefully through his blood as he stared down at Felix, eyes blazing with a fierce number of emotions Felix couldn’t identify.

“Bunny,” Woojin whispered the word, eyes going shiny as he leaned down to gently cup Felix’s face, “Bunny, look at me.” 

Felix wanted to look at him, wanted to lean into his touch, wanted to savour it so bad, but the world was fading away, turning to ash around him as the petals fell into the blood, and he realised with a shaky inhale that there really wasn’t long left now.

“I..” Felix was able to rasp the word out, an agonising feeling stabbing him in the chest as blood slowly trailed down his chin, “I… I always loved you.”

The arms around Felix tightened and he took from it the very last bit of his strength he needed to pull his eyes up to the two people who meant the most to him, to the two people who he was giving up everything for, to the two people surrounded by the distressingly beautiful sight of flowers all over the floor. 

They had anguish painted across their features, fear splattered all over their faces, sorrow written so clearly across their skin, but their eyes… Felix’s heart dropped when he caught sight of their eyes. They showcased nothing but love, love they usually only ever had for each other.

“We never should have pushed it down,” Felix couldn’t tell which one of them it was that was speaking, sobs accompanying their every syllable as a very nasty feeling started to root itself deep into Felix’s chest, “We never should have tried to make it go away, we never should have tried to deny it. We made you sick Felix, we did this to you.”

Confusion clouded over Felix’s mind, a million questions suddenly exploding within him as his brain started to scream. They couldn’t be saying what he thought they were saying. They couldn’t mean that. They couldn’t have hurt him.

“Felix,” the word sounded so twisted, so broken, so mangled as it filled the air, sending another arrow piercing directly through Felix’s already broken heart. 

“Felix, we always loved you too.”

Felix gasped.

His veins caught fire, a feeling of complete and utter shock rooting itself deep into his very soul as his blood froze. 

No.

….no, no, no, no, no…

Felix tried to deny it, tried to tell himself he had misheard them, tried to think of a million different excuses as to why they would have said that, but he knew them better than anyone. He knew he had heard them perfectly fine. He knew now that he was dying for nothing.

Blood roared past Felix’s ears as he let out a strangled wail, trying to fight with everything he had against the darkness looming over him, the darkness filling every one of his senses and choking him as he cried.

This couldn’t be real.

He couldn’t leave them.

But there was nothing he could do.

Felix’s vision cleared one last time, revealing Chan and Woojin’s beautiful faces illuminated above him by the bathroom light, their eyes shining with a thousand different emotions. They were begging him to stay awake, screaming at him as his eyes started to close, weeping and holding him close as the final broken bits of life started to drain from him.

Felix tried to fight it, he tried so goddamn hard, but there was only so much his beaten heart could do. He was in the arms of the two boys he could have had a whole new life with, the two boys who were the only ones capable of making him truly happy, the two boys who meant absolutely everything to him.

Maybe, Felix thought, that was all he could ask for as his eyes landed on two purple and coral pink petals lying broken and frayed next to each other on the bathroom floor. 

Maybe his heart was finally starting to put itself back together just before it stopped… forever.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so so so sorry
> 
> I genuinely never meant for the story to end like this. I'm not even joking, I was genuinely just going to write a little bit of angst, a little bit of Felix blood, and then have Woochan realise they're whipped and then have the rest as fluffy Woochanlix. But then the story just got longer and angstier and I was like okay I can fix this with a happy ending but then I was literally in the last ten minutes of writing this story when my brain was like GUESS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO NOW!!! And, yeah, that ending happened....
> 
> I've never written main character death before so that was probably really bad... I'm sorrrry… you're probably crying because my writing is terrible and not because of the story
> 
> On another note, I have very important exams coming up and so I'm gonna have to put writing on hold for a while, so I won't be posting anything new anytime soon, I hope you understand <3 feel free to check out any of my other works!! xx
> 
> Twitter - @hotelfelixxie
> 
> Have a blessed day!!


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